I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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