1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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