I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
