The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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