Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I need a beard to bite.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
