Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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