I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
