I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
