the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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