I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
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