saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
