just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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