Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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