Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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