I wish my penis had an off switch
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
