when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
