I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
