My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
