not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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