Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
