so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
