I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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