Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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