my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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