He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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