His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
