Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
