Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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