Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
