make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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