There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
