I must be too annoying 4 u.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
In other news, I just burned my penis
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
