I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
