Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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