I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
The power of my boobs compel you
I would fuck him just for his dog
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
