Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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