you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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