Can i not drive my cunt home
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
