i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
