i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
