Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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