My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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