I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I deserve this hangover.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
