just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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