Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
My room smells like vodka and shame
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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