I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
