sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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