Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
