the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
