Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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