Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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