I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
